Hamburger Stew

First off, ignore the name. Yes, this is a hamburger stew, but for some reason the name scares people who've never had it before. I don't know, maybe they think you've gone out to MacDonald's and boiled down a few BigMacs . . . It tastes a lot better than it sounds. In fact, it tastes great. This is one of my favorite dishes.

This will take about two to two and a half hours to cook down, and it'll take you about an hour to chop all the ingredients. I recommend starting four to five hours before you want to serve.

This recipe makes a lot. You should have a huge pot to make it in. Preferably in the 12 quart range . . . No, no, there's absolutely no point in skimping and trying to make less. It's just as much work to make a smaller amount and you can freeze whatever is left over for a nice, quick microwave dinner some night. Besides, this stuff is usually so popular that a 12 quart pot is really only twelve to sixteen meals.

I recommend serving this with garlic bread, a nice spinach salad and some cheap red wine (yes, you can use expensive red wine if you insist, but this is a real hearty meal and somehow a cheap red wine just seems to fit it).

All measures are approximate. Change the amounts to suit your tastes. I never make it the same twice.

What you will need:

With regard to the vegetables: in general, ignore the standard American thinking of "bigger is better." With vegetables smaller is almost always better. Younger vegetables are often less tough, firmer and have a "fresher" taste than older vegetables. Also, fresh vegetables are almost always better than frozen and definitely are ALWAYS better than canned. However, sometimes the frozen really are good enough (see okra and green beans below) and sometime what comes in a can would take you hours to make yourself and/or represents a real creation in itself (see stewed tomatoes and tomato sauce below).

Implements of destruction:

1 jam jar or other suitable vessel for drinking cheap red wine.

1 large 12+ quart pot

You may end up having to spread the stew out between two pots in fact. Don't worry if this happens. it's a feature not a problem. Just move a bunch into a new pot if you start overflowing the first and then make sure to scoop stuff back and forth a few times befores setting things off to simmer.

1 cutting board and 1 good knife.

If you have a friend, two of each and enough room not to get in each others way. This can actually more than half the time to prepare and double the fun. Don't attempt it if you don't have the room. Just have your friend sit down at the kitchen table, drink cheap red wine and provide moral support in the way of gossip and dirty jokes. Don't forget an extra jam jar for your friend.

1 colander for washing and draining mushrooms.

1 large wooden spoon to stir stew with.

1 large ladle to dish out stew and transfer stew back and forth between your two pots.

1 dish to set the spoon and ladle on to avoid getting those baked on stew globules on your stove top.

1 stove and 1 sink (two if you feel adventurous).

Ingredients:

2 pounds ground beef; the leaner the better.

1 pound frozen, cut okra

Don't even think about skipping this -- it's one of the hinge-pins of the stew's flavor.

1 pound frozen, cut green beans

(not French style)

1 pound mushrooms

As always, caps intact! About 1 inch across the caps is a good size. Wash and drain in colander. Cut into fairly thick ⅛-¼ slices.

1 pound zucchini

Try to get them young and firm -- about 6-8 inches. Wash, don't peel. Cut into ¼ inch slices.

1 bell pepper. Wash. Chop fairly fine, ⅛-¼ inch pieces.

1 bunch celery.

Break off 7-8 stalks. Wash. Slice fairly fine, ⅛-¼ inch slices.

1 pound carrots

(about 4-5 medium carrots) Wash. Cut into fairly thin slices, ⅛-¼ inch.

1 pound yellow onions

(about three medium size onions) Peel. Chop fairly fine, ¼ inch cuts.

2-3 pounds red rose potatoes

(about 8-10 small potatoes) Wash, don't peel. Cut into bite size or just a bit larger pieces, 1 inch pieces.

2 29 ounce cans of whole, peeled stewed tomatoes.

(They'll soften as the stew cooks and you can cut them in half with a spoon after about an hour.)

2 16 ounce cans of tomato sauce

(I like Contadina, but it really isn't too important unless it's truly disgusting sauce.)

5-6 cloves of fresh garlic.

Peel, cut off any ookies. Chop very fine (or squooze through a garlic press or whatever your favorite garlic abuse method is). You'll regret it if you try to cheap out and use some dried garlic product.

Dried spices:

oregano, sweet basil, thyme, rosemary, bay laurel leaves, black pepper. Don't even think of using salt. The vegies and the canned tomato products have more than enough salt for the stew.

Cheap red wine.

What you need to do:

1. Pour yourself a glass of wine. This is very important! You don't want to get truly soused, but unless you lose that every-day edge of tension, the stew will sense your unease and it just won't taste right. You need to be relaxed. A friend and some gossip come in handy here.

2. Start browning the hamburger in the bottom of the big pot. Break it up into the bottom of the pot. Stir it up, don't let it burn, get it evenly browned. It'll be done when you can't see any more pink. Don't over cook it.

3. Start cutting and chopping. Don't forget to watch and stir the hamburger.

4. After the hamburger is done, drain all the fat and water out. Add the canned tomatos and tomato sauce. Add the frozen vegies and anything you've managed to get cut up and chopped so far. Put the pot on to simmer.

5. Get some more wine and keep on cutting and chopping and adding the results to the pot. Toss a little red wine into the pot. Why should the stew be stressed out while you're getting relaxed? A half cup should do for starters (remember, it has a much lower body weight than you do (unless you're a real munchkin) and can't take as much alcohol as you can).

6. The spices. This is where you'll have to take a little initiative. Frankly I've never measured how much of what I put in. I'll try to give you an idea, but you're going to have to let your nose and tongue help you out here (remember, it's important not to be too drunk at this stage).

   Fundamentally: taste the stew, smell the spices and decide whether some of the spice would taste good when added. Remember that spices take a while to take form. Add a little of what spices you think will work and wait a half hour to make a another taste run.

   Try starting with another half cup of red wine, a teaspoon of oregano, two teaspoons of sweet basil, a shy teaspoon of thyme, a teaspoon of rosemary, two laurel leaves and a half teaspoon of black pepper. Remember to grind the dry green spices between your fingers to bring out their flavors. I have no idea how much to use if you use fresh green spices; almost certainly you'll need to use larger quantities. (Does anyone know why fresh spices aren't as strong as dried spices? Oxidation perhaps?)

7. Let it simmer and stir it from time to time. It'll be very chunky when you finish adding all the vegies. Don't worry. The vegies will cook down and it'll achieve a very thick stew texture within an hour. As it simmers, it'll tend to settle and eventually burn on the bottom. Keep on stirring it every few (ten? fifteen? you'll get the idea) minutes. You'll be able to turn the heat down eventually as the stew develops a good head of steam. Keep stirring.

8. Sit down with some more red wine a relax a bit. More gossip is definitely called for.

9. About an hour into simmering taste the stew and decide how much and of what spices/wine you want to add. Be sparing. You can add more later. You can't take them back out. Be especially careful of the rosemary. It smells wonderful and really adds to the stew but it's a deceptively strong spice. You probably shouldn't add more than a half to a whole teaspoon of any spice at a time. Don't add any more bay laurel leaves.

10. Duplicate step 9 after another hour, but at least a half hour before you serve. You should be really cherry with adding spices this time. No more than a quarter to a half teaspoon of anything.

11. When the potatoes and carrots have softened, the stew is done.

Don't forget the garlic bread and cheap red wine!